Prior to encountering Christ at 25 years old, I could only imagine a life of addiction. I did not understand then, but I not only did not know myself, I was also terrified to slow down enough to see myself. I look back now and see that at the time, I did not like myself or where my life had led, and I was unwilling, and unable, to really look at myself. When life would begin to collapse in on me, I would go harder into avoidance, and into addiction. When I did encounter Christ, I experienced the all-knowing Creator express to me that I was loved, deeply loved right where I was at. This was unimaginable- that I was known, and the one who knew everything about me loved me. I had deemed myself unlovable based on my inability to be what Jesus wanted, and now I was being communicated to that I was deeply loved by Jesus. This changed my life. Even though I had no idea how to trust myself, or know who I was, I began to trust that I was loved. I began to pray and talk with the Trinity, to experience life as a shared experience, and growing in who I was created to be in the image of God. This all has been a journey for me. At first, to deny myself and follow Christ was the only heading I could really trust. I had tried to navigate life myself and had crashed and burned, so going all in following Jesus felt like life! I was learning so very much. I was led to go back to school, but not into my previous Animal Science degree, but into the field of Counseling/Psychology. Each step forward had its own challenges, and I was intent on following Christ through each challenge. I continued to focus on studying the Bible, and for some time focus on dispensational theology so that I could follow Christ well. I continued to search for understanding to grow in who I was created to be. I found interesting when I began feeling led to understand my past better. This was an area for me, as it was a neglected area, as my interpretation of “the old is gone, the new has come” had been a disqualifying statement for any relevance in my life prior to Christ. However, the deeper I looked into the heart of Trinity, the more I saw the significance of relationship, and significance of all creation and created beings. The same expression of love that was communicated to me by Jesus is the depth of love that knows all us, that knows all our stories, that knows all our past hurts and the significance of healing- I find continues to invite me into this healing journey that is growing love towards my past self. I began to understand how dyslexia (I was not diagnosed intil I was 14 years old) and ADHD (undiagnosed until 43) had affected me from my early school years. How my social environment impacted my decisions and how I saw myself, how I disqualified myself, how I pushed down my emotions, and how I pushed down myself. Trinity was showing me that if They did not disqualify me, then I am not called to disqualify myself. It was in some ways that Christ had saved me from myself, and in others that Christ was introducing me to myself and inviting me to love myself as I was being loved by Jesus. I have now been studying Church history over the last decade as much as possible. I have learned that the Church has struggled to be the light of Christ through the centuries, and that there have been many atrocities done in the name of Christ. I see that many theological concepts were groundbreaking at the time and challenging harm from the previous understanding, and often those guarding the previous systems saw that as threatening- so much that the response was murder in the name of God. I don’t see how I can call myself a Christian and ignore this. I have found that all our inherited theologies have some elements of toxicity in them. We and future generations are called to follow Christ to heal and grow beyond those toxic elements of theology. In my graduate program, I was introduced to existential approaches to counseling, that holds to the notion that people are always in the process of becoming and rediscovering themselves. This relates to my experience of walking with Christ and growing throughout the journey. I utilize existential approaches, mainly Gestalt Therapy, to work with the client and involve seeking how God's unconditional love and presence in their lives along with indisputable grace through Jesus Christ impacts their personal situation and their everyday life. This often includes a journey to self-understanding, to walk through the struggle rather than attempt to shame self, to trust that you were created to grow in Love, towards God, self, and others.